I’m 34.
I’m single. I’m 34. My good friend, who’s in his 20’s and a guy, who clearly does not understand what it’s like to be a single woman in your 30’s just reminded me I’m 34. My first thought when he told me was ‘duh.’ My second thought was ‘fuck you.’
I mean seriously, do I need to be reminded of that? Nope. I don’t. I remember. I know that I’m in those critical years of finding a person. Finding that person. That guy. The one. You know him? We all know that guy. We all know the guy or gal that we think we want, that I dare say that we probably need in our lives. I think of how much I would like to know this person right now. How much I would like to share my awesome life, my friends and family with a guy who I can’t wait to share with them. I really hope that those dreams and visions do come true. However, I don’t want to live in fear of not having that either.
How do I not live in fear of not having it?
By listening to myself and my heart a majority of the time and letting the ideas of other bounce around my head space, but not really stay there. The last few months I have found that getting all weird and anxious about feelings just make the feelings even more weird and anxious. Looking to multiple people for advice or their take on a situation can leaves me exhausted and confused.
I had a friend not that long ago say ‘You don’t want to be the girl that all the guys are friends with.’ That just irritated the shit out of me. Um, yes, I do. I love my girl friends, but I love my guy friends and if love happens in that place, awesome! If it doesn’t awesome! You know what I do want to be? I want to be a woman who’s true to herself. I want to do things that make me happy. I want to rejoice in my friends, life, the good things that happen all around me, I just want to figure out how to be me and to trust that the rest will work itself out for the best.
A few years ago I broke up with this guy I was nearly engaged to. Our relationship was nowhere near perfect, but I dare say we both needed each other in different ways and while our relationship consistently left me wanting, I stuck to it. I stuck to it even though I was unhappy. I wasn’t miserable, but I was nowhere near really happy. It was really scary, breaking up. It hurt a lot, this guy that I had tried so hard to make a relationship work, decided to leave, he left me, in spite of me. It was heart wrenching. I cried everyday, multiple times a day for months.
As I look at it now, all that crying was somewhat akin to a Pacific Northwest rain. It wasn’t torrential, but it just kept happening. I could do nothing to stop it. I had to learn to live in it. Somehow though, through living through it, the most amazing things happened. The best thing I read in those dark dreary months was a little meme on pinterest. It had a photo of a girl sitting on a suitcase in the middle of the road and it said “Then one day she decided to design a life she loved.” That was it. That was the ticket. It was that smack in the forehead that said ‘Okay, that didn’t work out, move forward. Tally ho!’ I started making changes, the changes I wanted. The only person really responsible for these changes is me.
Life has been pretty good since then. So many awesome things have happened. I moved back to Los Angeles proper. I got a new job where I have met a ton of great people and I’ve made more new friends then I know how to handle. I can’t complain. I really can’t. I would still really like that person, that guy, or to have him meet me and know that I’m his person to. I’m waiting for that moment. I’m sure it will come, hopefully in time to have my own babies.At this very moment January has seemed fairly dreary, my best friend is moving a few states away, and as far as people go, she may always be my ultimate person. Another good friend is moving to Japan, and a few of my other close friends have been tied up in work and such. It makes me feel all lonely, funky, and out of sorts. Once again, I find myself on the brink of fearing change. However, If I look to the past, I see that each scary change has brought something better. I know that each scary change has not only made me a better person, life has rewarded me for sticking through it and believing the best. Ultimately, we cannot know why things work out or don’t work out while we are in the middle of it, but we can let hope arise when it tries to sprout it’s wings.
I’m single. I’m 34. My good friend, who’s in his 20’s and a guy, who clearly does not understand what it’s like to be a single woman in your 30’s just reminded me I’m 34. My first thought when he told me was ‘duh.’ My second thought was ‘fuck you.’
I mean seriously, do I need to be reminded of that? Nope. I don’t. I remember. I know that I’m in those critical years of finding a person. Finding that person. That guy. The one. You know him? We all know that guy. We all know the guy or gal that we think we want, that I dare say that we probably need in our lives. I think of how much I would like to know this person right now. How much I would like to share my awesome life, my friends and family with a guy who I can’t wait to share with them. I really hope that those dreams and visions do come true. However, I don’t want to live in fear of not having that either.
How do I not live in fear of not having it?
By listening to myself and my heart a majority of the time and letting the ideas of other bounce around my head space, but not really stay there. The last few months I have found that getting all weird and anxious about feelings just make the feelings even more weird and anxious. Looking to multiple people for advice or their take on a situation can leaves me exhausted and confused.
I had a friend not that long ago say ‘You don’t want to be the girl that all the guys are friends with.’ That just irritated the shit out of me. Um, yes, I do. I love my girl friends, but I love my guy friends and if love happens in that place, awesome! If it doesn’t awesome! You know what I do want to be? I want to be a woman who’s true to herself. I want to do things that make me happy. I want to rejoice in my friends, life, the good things that happen all around me, I just want to figure out how to be me and to trust that the rest will work itself out for the best.
A few years ago I broke up with this guy I was nearly engaged to. Our relationship was nowhere near perfect, but I dare say we both needed each other in different ways and while our relationship consistently left me wanting, I stuck to it. I stuck to it even though I was unhappy. I wasn’t miserable, but I was nowhere near really happy. It was really scary, breaking up. It hurt a lot, this guy that I had tried so hard to make a relationship work, decided to leave, he left me, in spite of me. It was heart wrenching. I cried everyday, multiple times a day for months.
As I look at it now, all that crying was somewhat akin to a Pacific Northwest rain. It wasn’t torrential, but it just kept happening. I could do nothing to stop it. I had to learn to live in it. Somehow though, through living through it, the most amazing things happened. The best thing I read in those dark dreary months was a little meme on pinterest. It had a photo of a girl sitting on a suitcase in the middle of the road and it said “Then one day she decided to design a life she loved.” That was it. That was the ticket. It was that smack in the forehead that said ‘Okay, that didn’t work out, move forward. Tally ho!’ I started making changes, the changes I wanted. The only person really responsible for these changes is me.
Life has been pretty good since then. So many awesome things have happened. I moved back to Los Angeles proper. I got a new job where I have met a ton of great people and I’ve made more new friends then I know how to handle. I can’t complain. I really can’t. I would still really like that person, that guy, or to have him meet me and know that I’m his person to. I’m waiting for that moment. I’m sure it will come, hopefully in time to have my own babies.At this very moment January has seemed fairly dreary, my best friend is moving a few states away, and as far as people go, she may always be my ultimate person. Another good friend is moving to Japan, and a few of my other close friends have been tied up in work and such. It makes me feel all lonely, funky, and out of sorts. Once again, I find myself on the brink of fearing change. However, If I look to the past, I see that each scary change has brought something better. I know that each scary change has not only made me a better person, life has rewarded me for sticking through it and believing the best. Ultimately, we cannot know why things work out or don’t work out while we are in the middle of it, but we can let hope arise when it tries to sprout it’s wings.
So here’s the thing, the thing I’m learning about me. I can be afraid of that change, as long as I continue to walk through it. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel lonely. It’s okay to cry everyday. It really is! It’s also okay to be happy and shiny and content with life at 34. It’s okay! It will work out and I’ll be happy, because I choose to be. Things may not always be the way I envisioned them, but generally it’s because it works out to be something even better. So give yourself a break. Pat yourself on the back for just showing up. It's rough out there. Trust that things will be better. Listen to your friends, but don't let it haunt you. Trying to be something you aren't is exhausting and ultimately just confuses you more.
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