Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Patience, Feelings, and more Patience

I’ve been waking up early these days. It’s been hard to keep a quiet mind, to get a good full nights rest. I find my heart is racing with anticipation for something I’m not sure is going to happen. I find myself flip flopping from “it totally will!” to “it’s time to give up.” And I’m not sure which way its going to play out at this moment. I guess what I know for sure is that my intuition still doesn’t have the full answer and it’s in these moments where I learn to be more patient that I thought I could.

Patience is one of those traits that for me is incredibly hard to come by. I have an incredible ability to manifest my desires and most of the time I get what I dream. This at times can be a dangerous combination paired with an only child. Because then when those dreams don’t happen, when I think they should, I find myself losing faith. I find myself questioning the universe, myself, and if I should really trust my desires.

Here’s the funny thing. The very reason I should have faith, is because so many good things do happen. I’m absolutely a glass half full type of girl. I have moments where I waiver, but overall, I consistently see the sad things that happen to me as opportunities to grow and mend. I also see how much those things have shaped and changed me for the better. I totally get it. And yet I waiver still! 

The truth is, we never know what will happen to us. We are not guaranteed a future. My job provides me the opportunity to see this everyday. You put your sick baby to bed and you wake up with a house full of paramedics performing CPR. You break up with your boyfriend and find out you have cancer on the same day. You find out your husband is cheating on you and wants to make a life with your transgressor. Shit happens. My ex-boyfriend married the girl he cheated on me with 10 months to the day he moved out. She was pregnant. Shit happens.

However, we can’t think that is the end of our story. It’s nowhere near, in the midst of all those emotions and feelings, we have such a tremendous opportunity for growth. We can take these things that weigh us down and use them for good. It almost seems counterintuitive at the time, but I wholehearted believe it is possible. 

I remember the betrayal I felt after my breakup. I had worked so hard to keep my relationship afloat and I was left alone crying and feeling like I was the one to blame. It took me awhile to work through that rubble, but as I did, I learned so many beautiful lessons. 

I learned how proud I was of myself. I made a few hard decisions in that relationship, in sometimes very murky waters, I was still able to clearly see the best decision for me. 

I learned was how faithful I am. I am a loyal friend and lover. Even after all the hurt, I refused to seek revenge.

I learned that doing things and loving people, will never make them love you back. You have to love people because you just want to. Trying to win them with your actions, will most likely leave you are out of luck. They’ve just gotta love you for you.

Most importantly though I learned that even when it feels really scary. Even when you can’t understand what is going on or why you are crying at 3am. Again. You have to trust that the good things that have happened to you, will keep happening. 

One of my most favorite pieces of wisdom from that time was this little quote:

“Feelings are like waves, you can’t stop them from coming in, but you can choose which ones you surf.” 

How empowering! We cannot control what happens to us, but we do have a choice in how to respond.

If I can impart anything I learned in that trying time to others, my prayer for them is always patience. Patience with yourself, patience with your feelings, patience to trust that time will show you why this path is better.  I know sometimes it’s hard to see and I know at times it’s even harder to feel that regardless of what is happening, it will get better. It’s those times that I encourage you to take a deep breath. Say hello to that feeling and acknowledge it, welcome it, and then let it go. It may not go away right away and it may pop up time and time again, but I promise you, it will, eventually. 

My story didn’t end with my breakup, in fact it got so much better. I believe the same for you. To you who are in a crazy battle with your hearts and minds. I pray that you find someone with a kind word today. I pray that you can rest in those moments of peace, but mostly I hope you find a piece of faith that you can hold on to and believe that things will work out for the better.

~ x ~

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